Middel van die week. Ontspan ‘n biekie
DRESS CODEIt is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
THANK YOU!Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.Have a nice week!
Things to do in a elevator:
When there is only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
Sit with a desk, pencil cup and a telephone in the elevator. When someone walks in, ask if they have an appointment.
Push a button, pretend it gave you a shock. Smile and go back for more.
Ask the others in the elevator which floor they’re going to, but push the wrong buttons.
Call the Psychic Hotline and ask them if they know which floor you’re on.
Hold the doors open as if you’re waiting for a friend, but then let it close. Say to nobody, “Hey, Wally, how’s it been?”
Drop a pen, wait for someone to pick it up and then yell, “That’s mine!”
Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.
When the doors close, announce, “Don’t worry, they’ll open again soon.”
Enforce a group hug.
Open your purse slightly and say, “Do you have enough air in there?”
Tell one of the other passengers that you’re sorry, but you’re going to have to let him go.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you “Admiral”.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now… motion sickness!”
Start a sing-along.
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